The pain of losing a loved one

Nothing prepares us for the pain of losing a loved one. Although we somehow know that this can happen, the day the news arrives, the pain we experience is overwhelming. As the days go by, we realize that something in our life has also changed. We must adapt to the new absence and deal with the feelings that this situation generates in us.

If you have been through this pain recently, I want you to know that everything will improve. 

Although initially, the pain seems unbearable, little by little, your psyche will digest everything that is happening to you. You’ll be fine. I tell you this because I have had to face these situations myself, and I know how hard it can be. 

Facing such a life change requires a lot of internal effort and a lot of strength. But that comes with time. At first, it is good to feel and let your body and mind deal with the new situation.

Today I wrote about how to handle the loss of a loved one. I think some of my reflections can help you on this journey, and you can always contact me if you need to go deeper.

What is this that I feel?

The first thing I want to remind you of is that the grief you feel is a psychological process that occurs in the face of loss, absence, or abandonment.

Here, I will focus on the grief we feel at the loss of a loved one, but obviously, many other circumstances in life can trigger this process.

Grieving for a loved one is an individual process. Although the loved one who has passed away is one member of a family, depending on various factors, it can produce different responses.

For example, grief can show significant differences depending on the age at which the loss occurs. The process that an adult goes through is not the same as that of a child or a teenager.

When we are kids, we are still learning how our environment works. The understanding of something as definitive as death is something that we do consciously around eight years of age.

Therefore, when a child faces this situation, they may not understand what is happening and not show the expected reactions. However, I recommend you to guide them and avoid thinking they are not suffering.

A teenager already handles the concept of death. But considering their life cycle stage, they can have diverse reactions that can range from denial to rage, depression, or just discomfort.

With adults, the assumption of the definitiveness of this situation is real. And in most cases, the initial reaction is sadness.

Another factor that can cause differences in the experience of grief has to do with the quality of the bond that one has with the loved one.

Here, I will not stop to identify when grief is worse; because there is no way to define this. What I want to point out is that pain can manifest itself in very different ways, even if we are talking about the same family, for example.

And how do we experience this process?

Grief over the loss of a loved one can cause different emotional and physical symptoms such as sadness, emotional shock, anxiety, fear, guilt, confusion, denial, or depression.

This process has been described in literature countless times, and we have found out that it can occur in several stages: 

• Anger
• Denial
• Negotiation
• Fear or depression
• Acceptance

These phases are not strict, so many people may not live them in this order, and some may not even experience some of them, but they help a lot to explain some feelings that we can go through.

When we lose a loved one, we are initially furious with what happened. This anger, far from being something negative, has its function: to ask for help.

At the moment, we feel vulnerable, upset with what just happened. And anger will allow us to realize what is happening and make some decisions. If you have experienced it, do not repress it, bring it out. It is valid to feel that way. 

Express your pain with your loved ones, talk about it. Only then can you move forward.

During denial, we fantasize about the possibility that what happened could be reversed, we reject feeling the pain of losing that loved one. We want so much to have our loved one with us that our mind looks for places in which to feel detached from reality. It is natural; our psyche needs time to digest.

However, for our minds, it is not possible to create alternative scenarios infinitely. Eventually, reality prevails, and we feel pain. A deep sadness can invade us or even get depressed.

This phase is where many people try to overcome by looking for options that make them feel good immediately. Maybe we look for people, substances, products, or any other element that helps us raise our serotonin. 

It is not wrong to try to overcome the situation and look for things we like. But when this behavior gets out of control, it can lead to addictions and more complex issues.

My recommendation if you are at this moment is to talk about your feelings. In this way, you will start rebuilding your life, and you will overcome all the pain little by little. Don’t be afraid to seek help, either. Many competent people are there to help you and who can work with you to overcome this.

Finally, acceptance comes. Acceptance is that moment in which, even loving our loved one, we understand that we will not have their physical presence anymore. After this, we start redesigning our lives even with this new circumstance.

This acceptance does not mean that we have somehow forgotten our loved ones. They will always be part of our lives, but when you accept the change, it shows you have worked, and now you can manage the transformation that occurred and which you will live from now on.  

As I was saying, losing a loved one is one of the most challenging times of our lives, and it is difficult for us to know how to handle it. I intend to show you that there is the possibility of feeling better and working in this situation, so it does not become a trauma.

If you let your feelings flow, you can find an alternative way to manage your life, to feel better, and function on a day-to-day basis. I hope these lines inspire you and help you understand a little more about the pain of losing a loved one.